29 Jan What will NO allow you to do?

This is the time when most resolutions start dwindling off.

You start the new year with the resolve to start exercising, getting to bed early, eating more vegetables, saving more money and then after few days life gets in the way, your motivation fades off and by end of month you are relapsing to old routines. Does this seem familiar?

I did this for many years. Start of the year, I would create a big list of goals and changes to make in professional, personal life, health and family domains but end of year I would feel like nothing significant was achieved. All through the year it would seem like I was making progress by striking off the long to-do lists but honestly it was not moving the needle towards where I wanted to go. That was depressing because I worked hard all through the year.

Last few years are different. The change began with an honest review of my process, a sincere evaluation of what I truly wanted. It started with awareness and reflection.

What can I learn from these failures?

I finally acknowledged that the old models were not working and decided to do something different. By doing a lot, I was spreading too thin. I took on a lot more than I could chew. That was not serving me. I realized that more is not good. I had to replace my old beliefs with ‘Less is better’. With this mindset, I only picked the limited and essential goals that were adding to my highest points of contribution.

 Chiseling off the trivial is critical to succeed.

In his great book Essentialism, Greg McKeown challenges us to adopt an essentialist mindset. He says that an essentialist eliminates anything that is nonessential by discerning the important from the rest. That means turning down requests. At the beginning, this was not easy. Though I knew why and how to say NO, something inside me stopped me from doing so. Deep inside, I feared the outcome of the NO. I was worried that I may not get another opportunity if I missed this one, feared that I might be left out, and sought the pleasure of having it all. It only left me feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

I got better with refusing requests when I connected with the emotions associated with a NO. I asked myself.. What am I not willing to feel with a NO? What needs change? It required not only understanding the concept intellectually but also connecting with it emotionally. When I was able to comprehend this intellectually and emotionally, I mustered the courage to step in the discomfort zone.

When I felt and embraced these emotions, I was able to make conscious tradeoffs. This mindset helped me achieve my important goal last year of hosting the leadership summit. I said NO to a lot of things that was not contributing to the project. It included accepting fear, anxiety etc and saying no to socials, family obligations and other opportunities that came along the way.

What about you? What do you feel when you refuse something?

Sad, anxiety or anger…? You may fear disappointing people or be angry when people judge you for the choices you make. You may even experience positive emotions like joy, pride, excitement when you turn down requests. You may feel respected for the clarity of your thoughts. You may feel appreciated for the focus you bring on your projects. You may be liked for the confidence you exude etc.

When you are able to feel and embrace the emotions, become aware and accept the ramifications of NO, then that clears the space for something meaningful for you to accomplish. Peter Bregman, author of a brilliant book Emotional Courage  says, “If you can feel everything, you can do anything”.

By knowing what is at stake when you commit to everything and by willing to feel and accept the outcomes of removing the non-essentials, we can make conscious trade-offs and turn down requests that don’t align with our most important goals. This requires awareness and acceptance of the different colors of emotions. .

I leave you with the same two questions that I asked myself-

What emotions of a NO are you avoiding?

What will NO allow you to do?